I don’t know how to say this gently…so i’ll just say it. In December of 2014 I was dying. How do I know? My life force was spent, and my body in chronic severe pain. I had little will to be here and was, in fact, beginning to check out. It started after the Winter Solstice of 2012…you know…the BIG winter solstice (the one where the Mayans ran out of stone and didn’t have room to finish the calendar)… I was so homesick after that. I could not look at the stars because I wanted to be back “home” out there. I envied Karlheinz Stockhausen for having returned to Sirius. Living here on Earth came with a strange feeling of detachment and numbness, even with all the physical pain. My motion towards transition was confirmed when a healer in KC and I found a black hole in my abdomen. My soul was preparing to leave and had created an umbilical to the great energy field that is beyond our known. In December, a healer relayed a message from my guides. They wanted me to know that “if I chose to stay, I would have lots of help.” So there it was in all honesty and openness: time to choose. Stay or go. I knew this choice had been coming. I knew it in the deepest, darkest, and brightest, corners of my being. I was strangely comforted that it was OK to choose either way…that it was totally up to me. The offer of help, stuck with me. It beckoned to me like a siren, and brought tears to my eyes every time I spoke of it. I don’t say this to be melodramatic, but rather only to tell a story that seems all too familiar in the media lately, of those who have chosen to leave. I can relate, and understand completely without judgment.
I did not go see a doctor for any of my symptoms (too numerous to count), because most doctors are ill prepared to help someone harmonize their body, with the mind and the spirit, let alone help coax my soul to re-occupy this chosen body. This is the stuff for more adventuresome and imaginative folks who see and feel WAY beyond chemistry, biology and even physics. And help came in some really unexpected ways.
Two miracles happened. First, was my moving onto the land. The land showed me a detachment of patience. It exists purely to exist…life just for life’s sake. It showed me that every day something lives and something else dies: perhaps the only imperetive of the circle of life. It showed me a way to harmonize with all that is: to adjust and to keep going. What’s next? Go there! (Robert De Niro). It showed me how to BE, and that BEing without judgment, is to be totally free. “There is no birth and no death. There is only the continuum of birth and death as punctuated points in the grammar of life.” I am “an eternal witness in which roles come and go.” (Deepak Chopra)
The second miracle started showing up in photographs. On Halloween Night I walked the property and noticed a change in the orbs I had been photographing. Hundreds and even thousands, of all different shapes and configurations showed up. They danced upon my cold breath that night and showed me that I am already home…that home is not out there somewhere, but right here inside this body. They reminded me that play is the way life continues, and creativity is the dance of the Great Mystery. Their presence somehow assured me that I was not alone, and that there was magic in each and every breath I took. It was enough to stimulate my curiosity. And curiosity is what drives me. It is the carrier wave of my creativity. I found myself wanting to get back in the game and fully play this role that I’ve chosen.
All who have chosen to manifest at this time are heroes, regardless of how long we each choose to be here. And so I laid in bed in early January of 2015, and spoke a commitment to stay. To fully BE here, HOW, and fully incarnate. It hasn’t come over night, but with each day joy returns as I ask help from my Angels and Spirit Guides, and Friends. Chinks become cracks, and steadily my body–this home– releases the tension between its constituent parts, and the past, present and future integrate. Harmony returns to my movements, and ease, back into my body, mind and spirit to play this role I have chosen among many roles. Whether I am here for another day, or another 75 years, as my breath did on that cold Halloween night last fall, the creative cycle of life, death, and resurrection dances on in each moment!